you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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