I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
