Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
