Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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