He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
