I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
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The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
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I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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