my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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