I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
