i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
