Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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