just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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