she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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