do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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