I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
