Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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