All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
