i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
