if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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