She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
