there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
