Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
