Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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