Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
