this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
