yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
