he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
