Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
