hell yes lets make some ravioli
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
