If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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