I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
