I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
