just come out here and I will go home with you...
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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