As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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