it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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