Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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