My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
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Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
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I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.