Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just want nice things and good sex
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
