how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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