Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
