dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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