I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Randomize
