Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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