@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
