Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
