Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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