She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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