atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
