in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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