I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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