he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
