Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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