I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
