I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just tell him i said nine months
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
