Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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