So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
