My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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