Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
