I am puke
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
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I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
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You brought string cheese to the strip club
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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